“But That’s How It’s Always Been Done” — The Pattern That Keeps Us Stuck

There is nothing quite like hearing those words, “But that’s how it’s always been done.” It’s the kind of phrase that makes you want to flip a table, especially when the better way is sitting right there — cleaner, simpler, more obvious by the second — and the person in front of you is digging in like resistance is a personality trait.

But here’s the part none of us want to admit: that person is all of us. At some point.

Conditioning Isn’t Laziness. It’s Familiarity in Disguise.

People don’t cling to old ways because they’re stubborn or incurious. They cling because those ways are wired in — reinforced through repetition, through “this worked before, so don’t mess with it.” Stepping outside of that isn’t just a logical decision. It’s a nervous system event. The unfamiliar doesn’t just feel different; it feels wrong, even when it isn’t.

And the sneaky part? The thing you’re defending doesn’t have to be a big belief or a life philosophy. It can be something completely mundane. Like, say, how many spaces you put after a period.

The Two-Space Era (A Humble Confession)

I’ll incriminate myself here. There was a time — many moons ago — when I put two spaces after every period. And I wasn’t just doing it out of habit; I was committed. Switching to one space felt wrong. Looked wrong. Was wrong, as far as I was concerned.

Now I look at double-spaced sentences and think: why does this look like it’s wearing shoulder pads?

But it took time to get there. It took awareness and repetition — and eventually the recognition that the new way wasn’t just different, it was better. The shift didn’t happen because someone argued me into it. It happened because I finally saw it. And once you see something clearly, you can’t really unsee it. The old way just starts to look like what it is.

So Maybe Cut People Some Slack

When someone says, “that’s how it’s always been done,” yes — it’s frustrating. But you’re also watching conditioning in real time. You’re watching someone stand at the edge of change and not quite step over yet. That moment deserves a little less judgment and a little more patience, because you’ve been that person too. Probably more recently than you’d like to admit.

The goal isn’t to drag people across the line. It’s to stay curious about what’s keeping them at the edge — and to recognize that awareness, not argument, is usually what finally moves them.

And Also — Check Yourself

Here’s where it gets uncomfortable. If that person annoys you, there’s a good chance you are that person somewhere else in your life. We all have blind spots — things we defend not because they’re right, but because they’re familiar. The belief you’ve never examined. The habit you’ve dressed up as a preference. The approach you’ve repeated so many times it’s started to feel like identity.

So when you catch yourself saying “but that’s how it’s always been done,” pause. Not to shame yourself — that’s not the point, and frankly it’s not very useful. Just to get curious: is this truly better, or is it just what I’m used to? Is this still serving me, or am I just serving it?

That question, asked honestly, is where the real upgrade begins.

A Confession About This Very Post (and the Coach Who Wrote It)

Here’s something I haven’t always been willing to say out loud: for a long time, I wrote like I thought a clarity coach was supposed to write.

Soft. Gentle. Careful. Every sentence wrapped in a warm blanket and handed over with a reassuring pat on the shoulder.

And honestly? It didn’t feel like me.

I was so committed to not upsetting the apple cart — especially in a space that touches on spirituality and awareness, where the unspoken rule seems to be thou shalt be endlessly gentle — that I started sanding down the parts of myself that were a little sharper. A little funnier. A little more “let’s just call this what it is.”

I was making people comfortable at the cost of being genuine. Which, if you think about it, is its own version of “that’s how it’s always been done.” I’d absorbed an idea about what a clarity coach sounds like, and I was performing it instead of questioning it.

Here’s the thing I was ignoring: I work with midlife women. Women over 40. Gen X women who have spent decades being polite, accommodating, and strategically vague to keep the peace. The last thing they need is another voice wrapping hard truths in so much softness they slide right off.

We are the cut-the-crap generation. We like warm. We like kind. But we trust honest. We trust direct. We trust the person who will say the thing everyone else is tiptoeing around — ideally with a side of funny. I was shooting myself in the foot by not honouring what I already knew to be true about my people.

So, I’m adjusting. Not throwing out warmth — I do care, annoyingly so — but letting the slightly devilish, occasionally irreverent version of me show up too. Because that version is also true. And if awareness is the whole point of this work, it probably needs to start with how I show up on the page.

The irony isn’t lost on me.

Awareness Is the Upgrade

This isn’t about forcing change or arguing yourself out of what’s comfortable. It’s about seeing clearly. Because once you really see a pattern — not intellectually but actually see it — you don’t need to be convinced of anything. You just choose differently. Almost automatically.

That’s not willpower. That’s awareness doing its job.

Bottom Line

Be gentle with people who are stuck in old ways — not because they’re right, but because they’re human. And be just as willing to turn that lens on yourself, including on the ways you might be performing a version of yourself that feels safer than the real one.

Because awareness doesn’t just make you right.

It makes you free.

Wondering If You’re Stuck — or Actually in a Life Shift?

“That’s how it’s always been done” is often what keeps you stuck.

But the moment it starts to feel off — like it no longer fits — something is changing.

That discomfort isn’t a problem. It’s a signal you’re standing at the edge of a deeper shift.

If you’re a woman over 40 and you’ve been feeling like something needs to change but you can’t quite name what — that’s worth paying attention to. Not with panic. With curiosity.

Take the quiz: “Are You in a Life Shift… or Just Feeling Stuck?” It’s designed specifically for midlife women who are done pretending everything’s fine and ready to figure out what’s next. Short, sharp, and no fluff — because you’ve earned the straight answer.

With clarity,